The Bible and Sexual Relationships Issues

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The reflex is understandable, but vain. Whether you measure up to anyone else or not, if you buy into the lie that love should be quantified, you destroy real intimacy. When you measure your lovability by trying to quantify your sexuality, you diminish your humanity. The sustaining benefit of sex in marriage is not the orgasm, but the committed intimate relationship. The gospel reminds us: Talk with some sane, godly confidential friends besides your partner. The same could be said of a dating relationship. Make your close, trusted, selective friend group the place to think openly in confidence, and make your relationship the place where you speak intentionally and thoughtfully.

Humble yourself and recognize that your partner with a sexual past may very well understand grace now far better than you do Philippians 2: How maddening that must be for Satan. What he meant for evil — to harm or demoralize us — God often means for our good Genesis Amen, and those who were once impure in heart are sometimes blessed with a vision of God that allows them to boast in God more than all 2 Corinthians Remember that your identity is in Christ. Again, if you marry your partner who has a sexual history, you will not be the best person in their life in every area of life.

Someone in their circles will be more attractive. If dating is moving towards marriage, and you learn of a sexual history, recognize that you were never pursuing this person so that you could be the best in bed — or the best at anything. The promiscuous King Solomon knew firsthand: By trying to measure up to past sexual partners, we give the past power that it neither has, nor should be thought to have. We all have remorse-tailored monsters hiding in our closets.

But there is still hard work to do — understanding, forgiving, crying, forgetting, maturing, resolving work — and there are some concrete ways that Christ enters into the conversation about sexual past in a dating relationship. Bring in an older compassionate couple in the church, maybe even with the same story, to protect both of you from sinning against one another in the ways we mentioned above.

This can take several shapes. If your partner with a sexual past is already in the company of a church and has been walking in the light of a pastoral team, the resources probably exist there for help.

They are known, and they are trusted, and this is a great situation to come into Philippians 2: While the conversation can be difficult and awkward, it need not be had alone. A wise married couple should remind a dating couple that the dating relationship does not ultimately have the tools to finish the conversation and follow through. Knowing this is not a defeat, but a mercy. If this topic has been especially painful or difficult for you, it might be helpful to commit to refrain from speaking about it except with an older couple or in premarital counseling.

The conversation should not mainly be about the issue of history, but of maturity. Yes, the person with the past, if their sexual activity is recent, needs time to heal before they enter into another romantic relationship.

Andy Stanley recommends Christians who have lapsed into a sexually immoral lifestyle wait a full year before dating again — he says, in fact, that it is the best and most important piece of advice he can give those in this situation. There may be great wisdom in it. As you consider someone for marriage, their maturity today — the evidence and trajectory of their becoming more like Christ — should be your primary concern.

Is this a man or woman manifestly, not flawlessly, marked by the grace of God, a grace that forgives and makes new? Am I willing to entrust and commit myself — my heart, my time, my gifts — to this particular work-in-process child of God? You may not be mature enough to walk with someone gracefully and helpfully who has a sexual history or any other kind of history. In later chapters e. The ascetics of the Corinthian church have over-reacted to the immorality of that day, concluding that all sex is dirty and should be avoided, even within marriage. This was their slogan. Paul repeats the statement, not because he agrees with it in its entirety, but because he agrees with it in part.

He will shortly set out to clarify the circumstances in which celibacy could serve a beneficial purpose. I am going to advance to verses at this point to suggest just how sexual abstinence could be beneficial. I do this because the main thrust of verses is to address the role of sex within marriage. Later verses will expand upon the benefits a celibate lifestyle can produce.

However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. The first thing we should observe is that celibacy does have its benefits. When celibacy abstaining from sex, and thus from marriage contributes to the cause of Christ, it is depicted positively in the Bible. Our Lord spoke positively of celibacy:. Paul speaks positively of it as well in 1 Corinthians 9 in reference to his choice and to that of Barnabas also to remain single 1 Corinthians 9: Finally, in the Book of Revelation we are told that the ,00 will be celibates:.

These are the ones who follow the Lamb wherever He goes. These have been purchased from among men as first fruits to God and to the Lamb Revelation When Paul speaks of sexual abstinence and celibacy, he does so in a very carefully defined manner. Notice the qualifications Paul sets down regarding sexual abstinence:. It is clear that this could not and should not be.

Paul simply desires that men might be free from distractions in order to devote themselves to serving God see also 1 Corinthians 7: The ascetics seem to have imposed their view of spirituality upon all. Paul does not represent his preference as a biblical imperative, but as a personal preference which God has allowed him to express as such.

Unlike many of us, Paul carefully distinguishes between those commands which are from Christ, and must not be ignored, and the counsel he offers which men can and perhaps should disregard. Some might question why anything we find in the Scriptures is less than a command, but this is the very nature of convictions. By doing so, he also underscores the fact that the rest of the Scriptures are inspired and authoritative:.

The Corinthian celibates surely thought of themselves as more spiritual and were proud of their celibacy. They must have looked down on those who were married. Unlike most students of the Scriptures, I am not saying that celibacy is a spiritual gift. Consider the reasons that there does not seem to be such a thing as a gift of celibacy:.

Staying single and thus sexually inactive may be the calling of some. If it is your calling, it is for the glory of God and for the promotion of the gospel. But the single life and sexual abstinence is not the rule, as Paul knows. And so in verses , we find Paul speaking of the role of sex in marriage. Notice the three-fold parallel structure in verses which stress the mutuality of sexual pleasure and sexual duty:.

Paul does not stress the submission of the wife to her husband here, as though it is his role to get pleasure from his wife, and her role to give pleasure to her husband.

There is mutual submission here, 74 so that both the husband and the wife are to subordinate their interest pleasure in sex to the interest of their mate. The ascetics are absolutely wrong in thinking and teaching that sex is unspiritual and thus inappropriate even within the bonds of matrimony.

Consistently abstaining from sex in marriage is not only unnatural, it is unholy. A healthy and pleasurable sex life between a husband and wife is a normal and natural release of sexual tension, and thus it is helpful in the prevention of sexual immorality. Good sex in marriage is not a guarantee that there will be marital fidelity. If one mate is unfaithful to the other, it does not necessarily mean that the offended spouse has failed to satisfy the other. David certainly had enough wives to satisfy his sexual appetites, but he committed adultery anyway.

The lusting eye is never satisfied. Nevertheless, Paul speaks of sexual relations in marriage as a preventative for sexual immorality outside of marriage: To abstain from marital sex proves to be a temptation; to enjoy marital sex promotes edification. It is not just the wife who is commanded to give herself to her husband; the husband is likewise commanded to give himself to his wife.

In fact, the husband is first commanded to give himself to his wife, and then the wife to her husband see verse 3. Reaching the ultimate pleasure in the sexual union is what best insures against immorality. Frustratingly unfulfilling sex to one partner or the other will also tempt one to be immoral. The duty of the husband is to satisfy his wife sexually, just as the duty of the wife is to satisfy her husband. If I have not said it clearly enough, I will say it bluntly here: There is nothing spiritual about avoiding sex.

I think I should also say that there is nothing particularly spiritual about demanding sex either. Paul spoke of the benefits of staying single by concession, rather than by command. But the instruction to husbands and wives to sexually fulfill each other is a command, not a wish or a suggestion. There are obviously times when normal sexual relations are temporarily interrupted. In the Old Testament, a man was not to have sex with his wife during her monthly period see Leviticus The reason should be obvious, especially for parents with children in the home.

This means that besides sleep, closing the bedroom door affords the opportunity to enjoy sexual intimacy; it also affords the opportunity for prayer. Frankly, it is difficult to have both prayer and sex on the same agenda, especially if the prayer is urgent and extended. For a bachelor, Paul seems to understand married life very well. Paul sets down some very stringent requirements regarding the cessation of normal sexual relations in marriage.

Let’s Stay

First , the decision to abstain from sex must be mutually reached by the husband and the wife. There must not be a unilateral decision made by one spouse. Second , a cessation of normal sexual relations should only take place for matters of great urgency. The King James Version may well be the original text, and it includes fasting with prayer. Third , normal sexual relations should be resumed quickly, so that Satan may not take advantage of their lack of self-control.

This statement should have really irritated the Corinthian ascetics, who thought of their sexual abstinence as the epitome of self-control. Not according to Paul! Sexual abstinence did not strengthen these saints in their battle with the flesh and with Satan; it weakened them, and it made them vulnerable. Who can be more pious than one who gives up sex for prayer? And who can be so unspiritual as to criticize anyone for neglecting their sex life to enhance their prayer life? If the truth were known, a healthy sexual relationship between a man and his wife may facilitate a richer prayer life.

A sexually frustrated and irritated mate is not a good prayer partner. The church at Corinth did not write to Paul about divisions and factions, about false wisdom or pride, about leaders who looked down on Paul and his gospel. They wrote to Paul about sex, and specifically, about abstaining from sex. They do not want advice from Paul on their sex lives; they only want his endorsement. But if they had wanted advice on matters of sex, do you think they would have expected wise counsel from Paul? They must believe they know it all. They may have been the Dr. But, wonder of wonders, God chose to give the finest sex education available, the best counsel on sex in marriage, through Paul.

Once again, the wisdom of God is vastly other than the wisdom of men! These folks must be so puffed up with pride at their self-control and victory over fleshly desires. While they differ with Paul in many matters, surely they think Paul will applaud them for maintaining that sex is dirty and should be avoided, even in marriage. What they receive is something entirely different. Paul agrees that abstaining from sex can be beneficial, but only in the most restricted applications.

Trauma Is Not a Life Sentence

Instead of applauding them for abstaining from sex in marriage, Paul instructs them to engage in sex with their spouses as a duty. This must not be done with gritted teeth, and the goal of each mate should be to satisfy the other. The Corinthian ascetics think that spirituality is antithetical to the enjoyment of sex within marriage. If you are married, have you ever thought of whether your sex life is Spirit-filled or not? Paul is teaching husbands and wives that servanthood is the fundamental ingredient to satisfying sexual intimacy in marriage. How many times have you read these words penned by Paul in his Epistle to the Philippians:.

If marriage is a reflection of the union Christ has with His church, then how would we think the physical union of a man and his wife is not of great importance to God? God has uniquely fashioned the man and the woman so that they are very different.

I do not mean different in the biological sense, but different in their makeup. Husbands tend to respond very quickly; wives are not as quickly stimulated and not by the same kinds of things. I have heard it said by some that men and women are mismatched, sexually speaking. And so they are, by divine design. Sex cannot be mutually satisfying without real love. Only as both the husband and the wife sacrifice their own interests sexually speaking is the other satisfied.

Sacrificial servanthood is the key to Spirit-filled sex. I want to be very clear here that we are not just talking about some kind of technique, which, if followed, brings maximum pleasure to the one who employs it. The husband should be sensitively attuned to his wife, seeking to bring her fulfillment. But this is not just because it is the way he will find his own fulfillment.

Sanctification includes the avoidance of sexual immorality verse 3. It also involves the Christian relating to his or her spouse sexually in a way that is distinctly Christian and not pagan verses It is clear that we may sin in the matter of sex, and that God is the avenger is such cases verse 7.

What does the Bible say about having a marital/sexual relationship with a close relative?

God has not called us to impurity but to holiness, and this holiness will be evident in the way we sexually relate to our spouse verse 7. I am not amazed that the unbelieving world, sex-and self-crazed as it is, finds frustration more than fulfillment in the bedroom. I am deeply distressed that many Christians are living defeated lives in relation to sex. Some are simply not having sex, usually due to the disobedience of one of the two partners, and sometimes due to the apathy of both.

Some are engaging in illicit sex, either by means of pornography or illicit sexual unions outside of marriage. Others find sexual stimulation in the workplace by telling off-color stories and by suggestive dress and talk. Hopefully, I do not know them. Here is a definite area of danger, and I hope that you can see that it is totally self-serving. First , Paul speaks of marriage and sex as a preventative to immorality: These words seem to suggest that Paul views sex and marriage in a less than noble way. Is sex only a preventative and not a pleasure for the Christian?

Is sex only a duty and not a delight? I would say first that in our fallen world and culture, sex is viewed primarily in terms of selfish pleasure. Sex, apart from biblical servanthood, is self-centered pleasure seeking. The whole Law can be summed up by two commandments: How does one love God? Peter tells us how we are to conduct ourselves in relation to God:.

Loving God requires being holy. Being holy means not being conformed to those lusts which once dominated us as unbelievers. Immorality is one of the sins which characterizes the Corinthians see 1 Corinthians 6: Thus, the Christian should fervently desire to avoid immorality. And so when Paul speaks of marriage and sex as a preventative for immoralities, why should we think Paul is taking sex lightly?

Righteousness is the higher goal, and marriage and sex are a means to this goal. Paul does not think little of sex; he thinks more highly of righteousness. The problem is not with Paul; it is with us. We value sex more highly than pleasing God. The second dimension of the great commandment is that we should love our neighbor as ourself. How does this relate to the subject of sex within marriage?

Our wife or our husband is our neighbor. We are to love our spouse as we love ourself see also Ephesians 5: To do so, we must put the sexual interests of our mate above our own. Living by the law of love makes it my duty to sexually fulfill my spouse. Is my duty demeaning, something for which I should apologize? It is my duty to keep the commandments of my Lord.

Six Truths for Dating Someone with a Sexual History

The goal for which I should strive is to see my duty as my delight. I would like to suggest to you that sex is similar to worship. Indeed, in the pagan cultures such as with the Canaanites in the Old Testament and the Corinthians in the New sex was a part of worship see also Exodus I fear that we approach worship in a way that is all too similar to the way many approach sex. Some, who feel like worship does not satisfy or fulfill them, are inclined to avoid it. We evaluate worship more in terms of what we have gained than in what we have given. I would remind you that the operative term when it comes to worship is sacrifice, not fulfillment.

I would further say that worship like sex is not so much about seeking pleasure for ourselves as it is about giving pleasure to God.

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