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Help us improve our Author Pages by updating your bibliography and submitting a new or current image and biography. Learn more at Author Central. Confessions of a Recovering Stupid Male: Healing the Wounded Child by Creating Loving Relationships One of the most important questions ever to be asked by men and women throughout the ages has been simply: Popularity Popularity Featured Price: Low to High Price: High to Low Avg. Available for download now. Provide feedback about this page.
There's a problem loading this menu right now. Having an affair is a choice. I had about twenty seconds to decide whether to have the affair or not. When I opted to finally do it, here's what made me do it: Now he is pathetic. I got the kids, have continued my affair with the man that makes me feel like a woman with a capital W. He was married too, but thank god his divorce is also now under way. Spouses can be real asses, but I can tell you this: I would never cheat on the man I'm with now. I wouldn't need to.
I was pushed into someone else's arms. My new guy was pushed into mine by a woman so manipulative and destructive, she actually admitted her original aim was to win him over his kids, three orphans whose mother had died a year before she met my man. Context will do it, doctor. And I agree the current discussion of affairs and what launches them is ignorant at best and righteous at worst. Affairs are, more often than people would like to admit, relationships in the bud.
The archaic biblical view if adulterers as horrible sinners deserving a flogging is nonscientific, demeaning and plain old stupid. Continuing to view cheaters as home wreckers is the blind attitude that will keep infidelity and the desperation at its wake happening time and time again.
Marriage should be retaught with newer assumptions at its base: Calling them sluts and bastards is not the way to study this epidemic. It's the sure fire way to remain profoundly ignorant and thus of no help to the betrayed. The betrayed need to gain knowledge as to why it happened to them so they experience less pain and trauma. From a cheater's point of view, I can but say: People DO cheat for a reason. As painful as that may be to the betrayed.
In some cases there may just be a need to diversify.
In my case it was two people ending two abusive relationships to find each other. We were victims too. How often does a victim become a victimizer? Those so close to is who took the liberty to hurt us should have seen it coming. I disagree with you. Having problems in a marriage doesn't give a person a right to cheat and have affairs. When your new guy cheats on you like you cheated on your ex spouse, then you will understand. Women like you should be stoned to death.
Funny you consider yourself a victim, although you are the one that broke your vowls with your mate and God. You could have done more to fix your marriage, but you chose to reck your marriage and the new guy marriage as well. You do realize that you are feeling very shameful, and guulty or else you wouldn't be on this site.
After being cheated on by my spouse, I can tell you that there us no excuse. People who commit sins such as adultery always blame others instead of looking at yourself. Just like an criminal, it was someone else that made me do it. You lack self control and cannot be trusted. You will then see the true consequences of your actions.
What a horrible person you are. You weren't pushed, you made a choice, a choice that is never ok. Leave with dignity, make right choices and own your behavior Also remember that what "DOES NOT" go on behind closed doors while one "sticks around for the perks" as you state could also be seen as another context for a larger problem which the adulterer or almost "victim" as it sounds of a sexless marriage is likely contributing to.
The context is generally larger than just a sexless marriage which seems to be where most people immediately go in thoughts about infidelity. Sexless is a symptom of something! Perhaps one person withdraws sexually because the partner has withdrawn emotionally???? For many women, sex without emotional connection feels like prostitution! So, gentlemen, there is more context than your posts give credit to! There is plenty of blame to go around and I do not feel sorry for men in sexless marriages who can't see what they are doing with emotional withdrawl is just as damaging to their marriages.
In fact, when this happens and then the attitude of "sticking around for the perks" happens it becomes dangerous. Woman's perspective to think on That said, what you wrote just underscores the import of being careful not to fall into the Fundamental Attribution Error trap. The two people in a "sexless" marriage, whether caused by emotional disconnection or something else, could be just fine in another context.
That is, with a different partner. So are you endorsing people divorce, break up families and wonder around in serial relationships until they find one that's just right? There are no perfect relationships. The sexless couple could work together, grow and be just fine, too.
No one is endorsing serial divorces and remarriages. What I am endorsing is a marital psychotherapy that looks at difficulties of couple context as closely as it looks at alleged difficulties of character, accepting of the fact that the same people, in a different couple, could be very different.. The sexless couple could potentially work together, grow, and be fine. But empirically -- just take a look at the work of Dr. Marty Klein, who also blogs here on PT -- desire imbalances and desire difficulties are among the most difficult and intractable issues in the therapy room.
They have a low success rate for treatment.
And let's face it. Sex is the one arena that makes coupledom special. Unless you're a few standard deviations from the norm, you sleep with your husband or wife if you're married, and not with your friends. Everything else, your friends can handle. You write eloquently about the tie between forgiveness, the lack thereof, and corrosive resentment.
I wonder, though, whether there's any empirical research to support the notion that opting not to forgive is corrosive, that it will lead to lingering resentment, and that the resentment will poison one's life in unhealthy ways. I think of this in another context. Neither Elie Wiesel or Simon Wiesenthal ever "forgave" the Nazis for their sufferings during the Holocaust, yet both men went on to live incredibly productive, and maybe even exemplary, lives.
Wiesel has visited Germany more than once, most recently with President Obama in Thank you, Mariah, for your kinds words. I also appreciate the interest in empirical support to provide data for ideas that may be compelling, and yet, not have a footing in science that clinicians are responsible for linking their assumptions to. Fred Luskin, author of Forgive for Good, is a leading researcher and teacher on the subject of forgiveness.
He is director of the Standford Forgiveness Project and has done interesting research in the area. Interestingly, I grew up in Brooklyn, N. Their wisdom to me when I asked about forgiveness echoed that of Victor Frankly; "They took my life but I will never give them my soul". Those words forever changed how I think about who forgiveness is for and the potency of it to empower and heal anyone who has been wounded in relationship or life.
I'm a therapist and am acutley aware of my field's tendency to analyze things to death. Afterall it makes for a book and then helps promote it. However, even Freud recognized that "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar".
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The gossip of who's doing who is oh so exciting and gives so many the delight of hearing all the morbid details. Ever notice that those that do wrong want everyone else to do the same?
Then,talk about them as though it is deplorable. Bad news travels like wild fire. Good news travels slow, but you already knew that. That will never make the news. Isn't it more exciting to hear about the many marriages of Hollywood's finest? It is a shame that FCC doesn't control what you see and hear on the screen. People mimic what they see and hear. When my husband left, it was devastating to myself and our children. For nearly two years I barely saw or heard from him. Three weeks before our daughter's graduation, he came home but not with the intention of reconciling.
It was during this time that I found out there was another woman involved.
After the graduation he left as quickly as he came. He connected with me on so many levels, something no one had ever done before. The feeling of being loved the same way in return was exhilarating and to me, felt pure and true. I won't go into details of the affair. At this point the details do not matter.
What's done is done.
For Mike Love, the author of "Confessions of a Recovering Stupid Male: Creating Loving Relationships That Will Last a Lifetime" (Balboa Press). Blog post. Confessions of a Recovering Stupid Male: Creating Loving Relationships That Will Last a Lifetime. Healing the Wounded Child by Creating Loving.
What mattered to me at the time was I had truly thought I found someone who connected with me emotionally and wanted to build a life with me. That is what we all want in a partner, no? I believed it because that is what I was told. I hung on to every kiss, every message and every word.
I'd even go as far as to say vulnerable and weak. I was thinking solely with my heart, and my brain followed suit. I am not a liar. The affair did not last long before I spilled my guts to my now ex-husband. I crushed his heart. At the time, I resented him and how I felt so alone in our marriage. But even through all of that I still love him, the person he is, and the kind of father he is to our boys.
Logic says they really are just trying to abort all marriages. However, if you define love as we do, as "unconditional contribution" in the face of the extreme failure that can accompany being a mere human being and, with the caveat that there will be boundaries and standards an unfaithful partner agrees to live by to do the work of healing and redesign , then it is not only possible to save a marriage after infidelity, it is possible to thrive beyond it. My Dad cheated on my mom multiple times. If you read my last article, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My wife, Shelley, and I had gotten into a huge fight—we'd been married 18 years—and at first I was thinking, "I'm right and she's wrong. Post Comment Your name. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on.?
I regret hurting him every single day. I regret tearing our family apart. But I do not regret being open and honest with him. At the time, I thought the love that hit me like a ton of bricks was much stronger than the love that seemed to have diminished in my marriage over time.
With time, my ex has forgiven me and we are friends. We co-parent well and we have two happy little boys who are extremely loved. You can say it is the best case scenario given the situation.