Good Looking Bloke and other stories

I work on an oil rig with 150 men. You wouldn't believe the stories

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You should hear some of the jokes.

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Let me just say what I want to say! Get a bunch of blokes together and anything goes. Truth be told, however, that is not the whole picture. In fact, like anything, working as a female in a male-dominated industry is all of the things — challenging, difficult, fun, rewarding, unexpected and above all, completely subjective.

What is fascinating is how the experience of women in industry reflects the broader expectations of and attitude towards women in our society.

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The broader questions around roles of men and women in society also linger. The traditional norm of men as the breadwinners and women as the homemakers in our society has definitely been challenged, but what does the alternative look like? Are women the homemakers and the breadwinners? Are men the homemakers? What does this say about our construction of masculinity and femininity? There are more questions than there are answers, and being in an industry with mostly men, it is fascinating to see the dynamics play out.

There are generational differences in the ideologies and this also varies based on industry, location in the field or in the office and education level management versus engineers versus operators. A recent conversation with a young engineer who started in the mining industry brought this to the fore. Indeed, quite often there can be advantages to being a woman in a male-dominated industry.

People know who you are, you will always be remembered which is a double edged sword and the lads, particularly the operators, enjoy talking to a woman, particularly after being around only blokes for weeks on end. The younger men gen Y have grown up in a world where they have been told men and women are generally equal, and accept that as the status quo.

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Scratching beneath the surface allows the unconscious bias to become evident. Taking the case of engineers, for example, it can be argued that female engineers are often highly visible as women, but invisible as engineers. There is an acceptance in equality but not always a true belief in it. It could be cultural: The problem with that theory is we have too many different men liking too many different body types: It could be genetic: Or perhaps it was early childhood experience, or lack thereof.

Maybe he imprinted on the first woman he fell in love with--and maybe that was his art teacher in Grade Four. At any rate, ever since he noticed how lovely Rachel is, Tom has been trying to lean around his stocky friend Randy and get a gander at Rachel's chest. But Randy is always in the way, and unfortunately Rachel is wearing a business suit and the jacket pretty much hides her shape. Just as the men's table is announced, two things happen. Rachel says to Randy, "The only place that really matters to me is our family cottage on the lake," and Rachel twists toward them on her stool, her jacket falls open, and Tom has his first unobstructed view of the generous curve of her chest in a cream blouse.

Tom is now completely smitten, because his own sacred place happens to be a cottage on a lake, and he is absolutely clear that Rachel, as a physical specimen, is his wet dream. Tom now has achieved what we will call a "sighting. He knows right now, with the same certainty that he knows his own address, that he could be happy with this woman. Behind his exterior calm he is hyperventilating, because this never happens. He sees women whom he finds attractive, sometimes, but they are not alone.

And they are usually married. Mostly he sees them across a room or across the street. And he never gets to hear them talk about their lives, never gets even a hint as to whether he might be compatible with them in a personal sense. On this occasion in the restaurant, all these sad rules have found an exception. This woman is classy, she is smart and she cares about lakes. And in Tom's eyes, she is a goddess. Randy gets up to go to their table. He says goodbye to Rachel, who gives him a warm smile. Tom suspects that Rachel is attracted to Randy. Tom has no sense at all of Rachel even noticing him.

He smiles at her but his smile comes out anxious and stiff, because for him there is too much at stake and he has no cards to play. Randy says, "Let's go, bud," a little sarcastically--and Tom realizes he is just standing there in a haze, gazing at Rachel. Randy tugs him away and says to Rachel, "This guy needs to eat. Tom flushes and follows Randy into the restaurant area, and they order. Randy says dismissively, "She was nice, but kind of butch-looking. A little hefty, too. A few minutes later, they see Rachel sit down in a nearby booth with a very good-looking, well-dressed man, who seems to be locked in constant hilarity with her.

Tom abandons a half-formed plan of somehow talking to her before heading back to work. A typical session in the endless male search: Let's inventory a few useful points:. Facial looks are totally subjective: Same for body shapes and sizes. Total accidents of seating and attitude can stop major connections from being made.

Men very rarely have positive "sightings," and usually are not in a position to act even on those. Men's relentless scrutiny of women, the thing that drives feminists crazy, is just as much a screening out of that which is intimidating as it is a judging of whether someone is up to par.

If truth be known, Randy's dismissal of Rachel had little to do with her being not pretty or too heavy. The truth was, he found her intimidating as a lawyer and as a woman. The most confident, forward man in the group is not always the most interested one. He may be confident because he isn't interested, and therefore has nothing to lose. The one who can't get a word out may be the one who is stricken with attraction. Above all, remember this. Qualities of character are often in play from the beginning.

Anton Chekhov: a lifetime of lovers

Men may seem to be judging solely on appearance--but in fact they see in appearance many other levels of humanity. In Rachel's face, Tom saw warmth, familial comfort, kindness, intelligence. In her words he heard a love for a type of sacred place that he too values. Even her body's sexual appeal to him holds other levels of connection--in her full figure he sees a reassuring quality, and a sensual opulence, that speaks to his emotional needs.

Randy saw qualities of mind that scared him off. Both men were reacting to a whole person, through her appearance. Here we encounter an amazing disparity -- a gap like the Grand Canyon. Her experience was so unlike that of the men as to seem like a cruel cosmic joke. Rachel did not have "finding a man" on her agenda. She wanted to meet her friend Pete and have lunch, and she was preoccupied with a trial she is in the middle of. Pete works at the same firm she does, and they hang out together a lot, but there is no chemistry between them and that is why they have the relaxed, hilarious rapport that Tom noticed later.

Rachel broke up with a long-term lover six months ago when she discovered he was cheating on her.

Although she is lonely and occasionally makes a slight effort to meet new people, she is skeptical of all men. And anyway, she does not think of a bar as a place where she could ever meet a man. She was perfectly happy to talk to Randy, but did not even ask herself whether he was relationship material--he was just a fellow lawyer.

Tom she hardly noticed. She did observe that he had a nice face, but it never occurred to her for a moment that he was interested in her, and he seemed sort of uptight and sad compared to his friend. Rachel's attitude to her body is even more tragically counterproductive. Rachel has regretted since about age sixteen that she is not skinnier.

She thinks of herself as full-figured, because although she has a model's legs, she has rounded hips and a full bosom. Actually, she thinks she's fat.

If she could only lose thirty pounds, she might be acceptable in her own eyes. She has an older sister who still weighs pounds and this torments her daily. Somewhere inside her, a voice still says, "You're beautiful," but lately she has trouble hearing it. The truth is, you have a classic hourglass figure, and plenty of men would find you almost overwhelmingly sexy if you would let them--and if they could escape the caustic stereotypes of their peer group. So Rachel wears her business jackets in such a way as to conceal her generous chest--she is ambivalent at best about it.

It certainly never occurred to her that Tom is a man who absolutely cherishes the very body type that she represents, at the weight where she is. Or that her jacket was preventing such an admirer from even verifying that she is what he admires! Tom, a man who is normally cheerful and entertaining, managed only to seem a bit sad to her. And if he seemed sad, maybe he had a right to be. Because something sad did just happen. Rachel just walked away from Mr. Don't get me wrong here: I am not saying that Rachel did anything wrong, though she could be accused of being somewhat unaware.

What I am saying is that near-misses like this happen all the time. People who would be perfect together pass like the proverbial ships in the night. Then they trudge on down life's path, forever lonely.

Women cruise through situations, blissfully unaware of the life-and-death struggle going on in the man who is right next to them. For it is a life-and-death struggle. Biologically, nothing is more important than successful mating. And for an average male who is old enough and mature enough to want to marry, that challenge is an awesome test, a labour of Hercules, fraught with perils and obstacles. The main peril is rejection intensified by the competition of other males, many of whom have him beaten in one way or another -- looks, money, physique, smarts, style, confidence.

The main obstacle is rarity: No wonder a man goes a little crazy when a true sighting happens--success and happiness and an end to loneliness are beckoning to him, if he can only make the right moves. In our example, Tom froze up completely, even managed to make himself less attractive! Became stiff and sad-looking, tongue-tied.

Must we leave our little story of the yuppie lovers with a bad ending? Could Rachel have done anything to change the outcome? Well, suppose we replay the scene with just a few tiny changes. This time, Rachel keeps in mind that any place is a good place to meet Mr. So she has her antennae switched on. Then she may well notice that lawyer Randy is not really interested in her. And that he is a bit of a bore--too needy in the ego department. And she may well pick up on the fact that Tom is eyeing her in an almost stressed way. Why is he doing that?

News travels fast

Maybe he fancies her. Maybe she should make a point to speak to him, instead of letting this insecure tax lawyer hog all her time. Tom does have a very nice face, after all. So she leans across Randy, smiles at Tom, realizes that her jacket has fallen open, which is fine, and says to Tom, "Why do you hang out with this lawyer boy, anyway?

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Can't you do any better? Tom lights up at this suggestion that she has noticed him, at her sense of humour, and at the curves that he has just detected. Tom starts to talk to her; Randy decides to go to the rest room; Tom cannot resist moving over next to her. They discover their mutual love of lakes and cottages. He asks her if she is meeting someone for lunch.

She says yes, but he's just a friend. Finally Tom cannot restrain himself. He asks for her card. She gives it to him. They smile at each other. Excerpted from What I Meant to Say: Click here to purchase "What I Mean to Say" online. Click here to locate an independent bookstore. When subscribing to a newsletter edition you'll also get early notice on Tyee events, news, promotions, partner messages and special initiatives. Further to the provision of the Personal Information Protection Act, personal information is kept confidential by TheTyee. Measures have been enacted to ensure the integrity of personal information and to protect it from misuse, loss or alteration.

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Shameful attraction Men are, in the first place, looking for "attractive.

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