Bad Ass Dogs Dont Do Ballet

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Complete List of Nominations.

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Dance With the Devil

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Got a News Tip? Check out the hottest fashion, photos, movies and TV shows! Is Everywhere This content is available customized for our international audience. He renamed the months and the days of the week after himself, his book, members of his family, and Turkmen heroes from history, including guys like Alp Arslan who weren't actually Turkmen but whom he took credit for anyways.

He changed the word for bread to the name of his deceased mother. He named several schools, two airports, a city, some theaters, a brand of vodka, two kinds of cologne, a kind of tea, and a meteorite after himself.

He plastered the entire country with hand-painted portraits of himself, his mother, and his book, put his face on every denomination of currency, ordered every citizen of his country fly a Turkmenistan flag over their homes at all times, and wrote a new national anthem so that every sporting event started with a choir singing about how great he was. He changed the programming of all three national state-run television channels so that at any time during the day the citizens of Turkmenistan would flip on the TV and see a real-time live feed of Niyazov holding meetings in his presidential office.

Saparmurat Turkmenbashy the Great then abolished the death penalty, algebra, physics, P. He also banned recorded music, smoking, beards, and chewing tobacco, outlawed the ballet, opera, the circus, symphonic orchestras, and the National Academy of Science, and had musicians arrested for lip synching at concerts because he thought that was the biggest load of crap ever. He banished dogs from the capital because he thought they smelled bad.

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He banned gold teeth, saying that if people wanted to harden their teeth they should chew on soup bones instead. He forbid make-up on women, because Turkmen chicks were hot enough already and didn't need it. Then, content that he'd put in a good day's work, he ordered the construction of more gold statues of himself. When Turkmenbashy the Great wasn't populating the capital with larger-than-life statues of his parents or hand-embroidered depictions of himself riding bears into the sunset on a unicorn rainbow, he wrote a towering work of literary greatness called the Ruhnama. In the Ruhnama Niyazov almost completely fabricates the entire history of the ethnic Turkmen people dating back to the days of Noah's Ark, retconning their entire history to include many significant figures who almost certainly were not Turkmens.

Niyazov then goes on to provide spiritual guidance, self-help advice, and a couple literary poems he wrote about Turkmenistan, then finishes it off with whatever random personal anecdotes popped into his head while he was writing the thing. Naturally, when he was done and the book was published Niyazov was so pumped up by how awesome it was that he awarded himself the National Award for Literature, ordered copies put in every library and school in Turkmenistan, made it mandatory reading at every level of elementary and collegiate education, and had questions related to his book added to the drivers' license test and the civil service exam.

Considering it one part history book, one part religious text in Niyazov declared on state television that anyone who read the book cover-to-cover three times would automatically get into heaven , on par with the Bible or Led Zeppelin IV, Niyazov told all the mosques in Turkmenistan to shelve it in a place of honor next to the Qur'an.

When some mosques protested, understandably saying that this was probably a little sacrilegious, Niyazov had those mosques demolished. Niyazov would later have a copy of Ruhnama jettisoned out the airlock of a Russian shuttle so that he could inform his people that he had conquered outer space. Oh, and he built a foot statue of his book in the middle of the capital of Turkmenistan just because he could:.

At 8pm every night, this thing opens up and a video recording plays a passage from the book. As an author, I dig this. Despite all of this insanity, perhaps Niyazov's most widely-appreciated act of despotic awesomeness was when he declared he was going to build an "Ice Palace" in the middle of the scorching sands of the Kara Kum desert. Envisioned as a permanent structure constructed entirely out of solid ice, the Ice Palace was supposed to fit 1, people, and, awesomely enough, was going to involve an ice skating rink inside so that the people who lived in the desert could learn to skate if they wanted.

It was supposed to be part of a bigger "Disney-style" complex that would include roller coasters and the world's largest aquarium, but I haven't been able to dig up any pictures of the completed project so it's unlikely that this ever happened.

Badass of the Week: Saparmurat Niyazov

I mean, think about it. This is an ice palace:. Now, it's important to mention that despite his tyrannical iron-fisted grip on Turkmenistan and the fact that he was brutally oppressive and kept his people in poverty while living in a billion-dollar mansion, Saparmurat Turkmenbashy was also weirdly kind of beloved by his people.

True, he put most of that money into his insane projects, but he also provided free clean water, gasoline, electricity, natural gas, and table salt for his people, built up agriculture where there was none, declared the second Sunday in August "Melon Day", and kept his people out of the bloody, expensive international conflicts that tore apart the region around him.

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