The Peedie Papyrus: A New Translation of Ancient Documents

---

And each day Peedie went out, and cast forth his stick, and the stick stucketh not in the ground, for the ground was dry. And the heart of Peedie was glad, for the bitter waters were carried away. It was discovered in an ancient irrigation trench. She is believed to have been a relative of the people who lived in the lands of OlemanPotter.

Peedie's Battle with Wullus [1] In the year that the plague of pigeons came, the Lord Peedie was master of many lands. But one day, as Peedie went forth to examine the Baths, there were floating stains upon the waters, for many pigeons had overflown the Baths. And Peedie was wroth, and beat his breast. And Peedie looked to the heavens, and spied the pigeons; and he mounted upon his chariot and followed their flight.

And he saw that the pigeons alighted at the lands of Wullus, that Black Prince of Pigeons. And the pigeons were an abomination unto Peedie. Peedie called a great council with Churley, the king of the neighboring lands, that the problem of the pigeons might be dealt with. And Peedie and Churley drank much wine, for Churley was a great drinker of wine, and Peedie was his disciple in this.

And Churley and Peedie were wroth, and they reasoned thus: Lo, he hath only his castle, and those stinking birds. Wherefore must we be subject to the vile stains left upon our lands by those pigeons? And Churley, being full of drink, armed himself and went forth, and he smote the gutters of the castle of Wullus.

And Wullus was wroth with Churley, for his gutters were new. But Churley cared not for the gutters of Wullus, for there were stains upon his lands. Churley was later to declare that he had meant to smite the pigeons, rather than the new gutters of Wullus. When Peedie heard that Churley had smote the gutters of the castle of Wullus, he was glad. And his heart leaped within him. For still Peedie drank wine. And on a certain day, when the pigeons overflew his lands, Peedie armed himself, and went forth to slay the pigeons. And Peedie opened the slidinglasdor [2] , and smote the pigeons of Wullus.

And the pigeons fell to the ground, and Peedie wondered at this. But Wullus had seen the wrath of Peedie, and he came forth, and beat his breast and said, "Lo, my pigeons are killed! By what right hath my pigeons been killed? And Peedie was wroth, for he had drunk much wine. And Peedie told the authorities that the pigeons had died from old age.

And the authorities saw that the pigeons were indeed advanced in years, and they quibbled not. And Peedie said unto the authorities, "Go ye, into the lands of Churley, and he shall tell thee that these pigeons have been a [blight] on our lands for many years. And they have stained my baths, and they have killed the sacred cats of the Grurs. And they are an abomination unto me! And the authorities saw that the children of Churley were not fair of face, and they wondered at this. And finally, Churley came forth, and said, "If thou wantest me, emeffers [3] , thou knowest where I dwell.

And the authorities inquired of Churley whether the pigeons of Wullus had been a blight upon his lands. Whereupon Churley swore that the pigeons had stolen the life of the sacred cat of the Grurs, and that he was wroth. And the authorities looked for the stick which they had cast forth. And Churley was glad, for they asked not about the time he smote the gutters of the castle of Wullus. So the authorities went away, and Churley drank more wine. But Wullus was wroth, and he armed himself, and went forth. And he went first to the lands of Churley of the Grurs, and called Churley forth.

But Churley came not, for he had drunk much wine. So Wullus went into the lands of Peedie, and his anger burned inside him for the death of his pigeons. And Wullus spied Peedie working on his road of oil, and approached him saying, "Why did ye smite my pigeons, for those were the fairest of my flock? I smote not thy pigeons, for I do not smite pigeons but rather I runtharowt [4] , for I am a servant of Atgadam Bakree.

And Ulus summoned the authorities, for in her heart she was afraid that her children would not work their tushes if they saw Wullus upon their lands. And the authorities believed this, and punished him not. But Peedie believed that the authorities had accepted the shekel of Wullus, and he was wroth.

And to this day, the wrath of Peedie against Wullus has not diminished. Most scholars agree that Peedie was a merchant, but there are those who would say otherwise. There are reports from other areas that lend credence to this theory. Let us make like camels and drink wine until our humps are well filled. He is a servant of Atgodam Bakree and is known as the Runner of the Rowt. He is a great drinker of wine, and a man after my own heart.

Let us drink much wine in his honor! And it was in this fashion that Peedie met Churley, lord of the Grurs, and Atgodam Loni, who in that time was called Eldee. And Peedie saw this and was perplexed for it was the custom of his father and his father's father to have the children work their tushes at an early age that they might not bear the visage of a Varney [3].

Peedie ran back into his own lands and went unto his wife Ulus.

Also they are students of a strange and evil custom which causes them to repeat numbers and flail their fingers in the face of the righteous. They are an abomination unto me for that reason, and my children will not go near them. Art thou an authority of the land? Go thee unto Atgodam Loni, for he will go with us! The Book of Simunz [1] Fragment recovered from the ruins of an ancient biwdin. OleRedonthaHed was to see that Peedie would take and use the frigancomputer [believed to be a tool used to keep records] of Atgadam Bakree as he went forth into the lands to runtharowt [2].

When OleRedonthaHed came forth, Peedie was wroth, for it was not his custom to use a frigancomputer. Peedie said unto OleRedonthaHed who was also known as Stonesipher "Verily thou should fall back unto thine own shat before I shall take a frigancomputer upon my business chariot. Yea it is well known that I am an independent contractor and do not take the shekel of Atgadam Bakree, though in name I am its servant.

And OleRedonthaHed hearing this went back unto his masters at Atgadam Bakree and told them what had happened and they were vexed. And the leader of the chiefs of Atgadam Bakree was Jah'neePhilps and he said unto OleRedonthaHed "Stonesipher this is a sad day for Peedie is not the only one who has refused to take a frigancomputer.

Simunz has also refused to take one from us, and so also has that emeffer Ronmakoy. And Peedie heard also of Ronmakoy and Simunz and together they sought to law Atgadam Bakree that they might never take a frigancomputer unto their The document continues below] Simunz took Peedie into his counsel and showed unto him the secret mysteries which he had discovered while a servant of Atgadam Bakree.

And Peedie went forth with Simunz and was amazed for Simunz did many things which were hidden from the eyes of others. Together Peedie and Simunz went out late into the evening saying only that they were runnintharowt [believed to be the past participle of "runtharowt"]. And soon after Peedie and Simunz became friends Peedie gave up drinking wine and took up the customs of Simunz. Simunz was known to talk in a very quiet voice, and was known to the many as a lo-talker. He was also seen to be exceeding slow in everything he did. Simunz had discovered great mysteries and shared them only with Peedie.

Peedie became like unto Simunz in almost every way. It was in this time that Peedie and Simunz decided that because of their friendship that they should endeavor to construct a great biwdin in which to repair their business chariots.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

And they went unto Ulus, father of Peggi [this is apparently Simunz' father-in-law and not Peedie's wife] and asked that he give them land on which to make their biwdin. Ulus gave them the land and they built a great biwdin. It was made of the finest pallets of wood, with only new nails. When Peedie saw the expense of the nails he drew back his lip as was his custom when the price was too high. And they called this place The Biwdin for it surpassed all that had come before it. And in that time while Peedie was in the lands of Ulus with Simunz there came a great plague upon the land of the Adeeshun.

The tush faced spawn of Llyod came down from their mountain dwellings and ravaged the lands like locusts. They stood upon Peedie's road of oil. They drank of the bitter waters that flowed in Peedie's ditch. They broke out the windows of OlemanHill. They were a scourge to AmenoBryse and Angeline.

They ate the fruits of OlemanSproles. The children of Llyod were a bane unto all of Bria'Stol. Peace come unto you through your knowledge of my rule. It is with heavy heart that I pen this epistle to thee knowing of your great struggles and tribulations since the passing of your father Churley. Your father was mine enemy's enemy and thus was he my friend. Your father never took the hand of Atgodam Loni. Your father fought with the authorities of the land who took the shekel of Atgodam Loni. Your father held great feasts of food and wine, and together we drank much wine, for in this was I your father's disciple.

I had much love in my heart for Churley, and for his sake I send ye this epistle. Do'oug, son of Churley, your children have rode their chariots upon my road of oil in disobedience of my rule. Thou knowest my rule, and within my rule nowhere doth it say "Ride thy chariots upon Peedie's road of oil. Oft have thy children left the vile black markings of their passage upon the alabaster siding of mine business chariot.

Your children are unclean, for they frolic in my ditch which carries the bitter waters run down upon my lands by Atgodam Loni. Your children are not fair of face, do not deceive thyself in this. Thy children have become a plague upon my lands. The comings and goings of thy wife have not gone without notice, for we have seen her at the door of Atgodam Loni's wife Atgodam Lisa. Thy association with Atgodam Loni is an offense unto me. Lo does the Stateman cast forth sticks?

The Peedie Papyrus

Your father was a great man, the enemy of mine enemy and thus my friend. Had Churley spent but a portion of the shekel on adorning his lands that he spent on wine, your lands would not be reviled. For many a year Churley would not adorn his lands, for he was wroth with the Pigeon Headed Pharaoh Wullus. See also that when you reap the grass of your lands that thy gleanings do not come upon my lands, for they block the passage of the bitter waters in the ditch that I have builded. Now concerning the things of wherein ye wrote to me.

OlemanRuthf has taken up ways that are an abomination unto the ways of our lands. He sets forth upon his travels with a stick in his hand, and wonders about the different lands without purpose. We have heard tale of his going to temple and therein he has been seen to cock his arms to the sky. I suspect that he has taken the hand of Wullus.

OlemanRuthf knows my rule, and keeps it, but he and his people are not my friends, be ye therefore cautious in your dealings with them. Let us greet one another with a goblet of wine, and let peace exist between our peoples. Peedie and the Anubis [1] Recovered from a series of engravings made in a concrete slab. Chapter I In the days after Peedie had first builded his baths he would often go unto his baths and sit upon the deck and survey his lands. And when he looked upon his lands he was glad, for his lands were fertile and brought forth much fruit.

Peedie went to his wife Ulus and proclaimed "Word! Ulus, for see what I have wrought through the labor of my hands and through my service with Atgodam Bakree. And Ulus looked upon the lands and was pleased.

But when Ulus looked across the borders of Peedie's lands she saw that Atgodam Loni had acquired for himself a pair of dobemun pinchers which guarded the borders of his land. And Ulus looked into the lands of Owebritt and his wife who was also called Peedie and there too was a dobemun pincher. And seeing that their lands were surrounded by dobemun pinchers Ulus tore her hair and wept. She went to Peedie and said "Peedie all is lost! We shall prolly die! Woe unto the land of Peedie for we shall prolly die!

And Peedie went unto his deck and he was wroth, for indeed he saw that Atgodam Loni and Owebritt had set dobemun pinchers at the borders to his land. Ulus came forth and said unto Peedie "What will you do about this? Emgodam Sons'Abeechus [2] have set forth their black assed dogs against us, and their barking has so disturbed the children that they will not work their tushes.

And Peedie went unto his children and saw that his children's tushes were not worked, and he was doubly wroth. Peedie went to Churley to ask his advice, saying "Because they have set their Anubisus against my lands, my children will not work their tushes, and lo I am afraid that they will bear the visage of a Varney until the end of their days. And they burned a tar and directly Peedie saw what he must do. Taking his leave of Churley Peedie made his way back to his own lands, wroth with Atgodam Loni and Owebritt.

Chapter II When Peedie came back unto his own lands he went forth on his deck and saw that the dobemun pinchers of Atgodam Loni were held in check by the fence that Atgodam Loni had builded upon Peedie's lands. And when Peedie saw that he must cross this fence if he was to slay the dobemun pinchers of Atgodam Loni fear rose up in his heart, for it was not Peedie's custom to cross fences. And he went to Ulus and said, "Lus, you must go and kill the dobemun pinchers of Atgodam Loni for there is a fence, and I shall not cross it.

I will not kill the Anubisus of Atgodam Loni for that work is out of doors, and that is not my job. And Peedie went unto his children and said "Will you not go forth and cross the fence of Atgodam Loni, which he builded over on me, and kill the dobemun pinchers that Atgodam Loni has set against me? He saw that there was a fence at the border of his land with Owebritt, but the fence did not abut the ground. And Peedie seeing this knew that he could crawl upon his belly like a snake and pass under the fence of Owebritt.

So Peedie took up his sword and went down on his belly and crawled unto the border of his lands. When he came to the fence of Owebritt he crawled under the fence, and rejoiced for he had not crossed it. And Peedie seeing that the Anubis of Owebritt slept, crawled upon his belly like a snake to the door of OweBritt's dobemun pincher's kennel.

And the dobemun pincher slept, unawares of Peedie, for he had crawled upon his belly like a snake. Peedie raised his sword to strike the dobemun pincher, but the dobemun pincher awoke, and seeing Peedie before him, it licked the face of Peedie. And Peedie's heart softened towards the Anubis of Owebritt. Burkan Stele of the Conquest of Aloon [1] Relating the History of Peedie's War with the Ha'alls [Translated from the original phonetic script] This stele is erected here to commemorate the ending of the battles against Emgodam Ha'alls.

Whilst many have left the land, we have decided to stay and establish a new dynasty. Our great and noble leader, OlemanGrag kept the rule of Peedie even after he had stood before us and informed us that he would leave the Adeeshun. Our reasons for walking about the land were many: The authorities have told me that they will come forth if I move against my enemies, for they have taken the shekel of mine enemies, and I am but a poor man. Too long have I dwelt at the setylimitz [2] where I was forced to dig ditches and walk in order to secure the peace of my family. I wish most of you well as you endeavor to establish a new dynasty and command you to keep my Rule as you know it.

Let him forever be known as the Runner of the Rowt [3] and a builder of biwdins. Below is recounted the history of our great struggle, that future generations shall not forget our efforts, and that we shall not have struggled in vain. When Peedie first came into the land of Bria'Stol there were many people already in the land.

The scribes have recounted the names of the different tribes and Kingdoms: Also among the people of Churley was Don Eller, husband of Dabbie. OlemanBentley and his wife and their brood of fat children. Dennas Lenrd and his wife and their children. AmenoBryse and his queen Angeline. OlemanRogers and his wife and their children.

Rotcher and his fat Queen Joody and their children. OlemanGross and his wife Maggie and their son Temgross. Kev'n Roburts and his wife Pohla and their children. OweBritt and his wife Peedie, and their son. Mizlemon the widerwuman [4]. OlemanHill and his wife. Atgodam Loni and his fat wife Atgodam Lisa.

Many more also lived in the land of Bria'Stol, but they were people of the hills that lived in the lands of OlemanPotter and were an abomination unto the land. Peedie had bought for himself the castle of Nuor Man, King of the Chapl who had dwelt in the land for years, and it was to this castle that he brought his family that they might make a new life away from the cruel lands of PolSlate.

And Peedie looked upon his home and saw that Nuor Man of the Chapl had been a poor steward of his castle. It is generally agreed that this was some skill or trade that Peedie practiced in his youth, but largely abandoned after he entered the service of Atgadam Bakree. Seeing this, Peedie was amazed, for he thought that Nuor Man of the Chapl might come back to retrieve the metals that he had left.

So Peedie, with greed in his heart called forth his children and said unto them "Crawl ye upnunder this castle and pull out this metal which Nuor Man of the Chapl has left for me! When Peedie saw that they had not worked, he became wroth and came out with a stick and said "Pull out that metal or I shall give ye something to cry about! And they pulled from under the castle of Peedie cubits of lumium siding, cubits of lumium railing, 12 cubits of swingset and cubits of wire. Also among the metal was a great quantity of wood suitable for the construction of a Biwdin.

Peedie marveled at the vast treasure that Nuor Man of the Chapl had left and saw that he must do something with all of the metal. But Peedie did not sell the wood, for he knew that one day he would build for himself a Biwdin and elaborate baths. So Peedie hid the wood that he might conserve, for in that no man was his equal. Peedie's wife Ulus saw that Peedie had been paid many shekels from his selling of Nuor Man of the Chapl's metals. She went unto Peedie and said "Let us get paint that we might paint the shutters of our castle red so that people will know that Nuor Man of the Chapl no longer dwells here.

Yet a few days after they had painted their castle they noticed that the paint began to blister and peel. Peedie looked upon the paint and wondered at it. He called Ulus to look and seeing that the paint had blistered and peeled she said "Damn, I knew it! Peedie asked Ulus, "What has caused our paint to blister and to peel? It is vile with excrement for our septic tank is full. And Peedie smelled the ground and wondered at it for there was indeed excrement flowing from the ground.

So Peedie called in many workers that they might drain his septic tank that his lands would be free of excrement. The workmen labored for many days and the sounds of their labors were like unto the boom of a dineymite. And the chief of the workers came unto Peedie and said "I have looked upon your septic tank and it shall never work, for thy fill beds are made full with a strange and bitter water!

Shortly Peedie went unto the workers and said "Build for me a second septic tank, and I shall see to it that my land does not flow with excrement. And Peedie was glad and surveyed all of his lands to see that there was no excrement. When Peedie came to the border of his lands he noticed that there was a great fence erected along the border of his lands with Atgodam Loni who in that time was called Eldee.

And all along the fence Peedie saw that the ground was wet. Peedie sniffed the ground and realized that this was the source of the strange and bitter waters which had filled his septic tanks to overflowing. And Peedie called Ulus and showed her that the ground was wet, and Ulus squished her toes in the ground and saw that the whole of the land had been literally soaked with the strange and bitter waters. Ulus looked into the lands of Eldee and saw there the source of the water which ran into their lands. Seeing this Ulus showed Peedie, and they knew at once that the ground was wet with the washing water of fat women and their excrement.

Peedie went unto Eldee and said unto him, "What will you do to stop the flow of the strange and bitter waters which you have run down upon me? I run no water down upon ye, and even if I did, the waters spring from a natural spring, and they are good to drink! Peedie went once again to Eldee and said "Verily we have been friends, yet you run this water down upon me and will not fix it. I say unto you that if you do not fix it that you and I shall forever more be enemies!

Do you blame me? From this day forth I will not call you by the name of Eldee, instead you will henceforth be known as Atgodam Loni by me and my people. They would gather together and drink wine, and Peedie saw that they had many customs which were good. And in that time many people came together out of hatred for Peedie, for he had built for himself great baths and also a biwdin.

He builded a road of oil which he called drivwaye, and set fences around the perimeter of his lands. He rid the land of the anubisus which stood sentry at the borders to his land. Peedie's land flowed with milk and honey, and it is for that reason that their anger was kindled against him. Together they plotted and came up with a plan to destroy Peedie and all that he had built. Jeenluv called the Authorities of the Land and said unto them "Peedie is straighpiping his excrement into the ditches he has builded, and he has ruined the waters of the land.

Gil Udjas said unto Peedie "Take ye a petition and get the people of your land to sign it that you might have sewers and your lands shall be dry forevermore. He spoke to everyone and asked them to sign his petition. He spoke even to Atgodam Loni. Peedie had been told that he needed the signatures of half the people of the land in order to have the sewers brought beneath his lands, and he received exactly half plus one of the signatures required.

I shall give you my shekel if you tell Peedie that his signatures are not enough. When Peedie came back to Gil Udjas he gave him the petition he had made, and Gil Udjas counted the signatures and told Peedie that there were not enough. And Peedie cried "But you said that I must get half, and I have done so, plus one to boot! What dost thou mean it is not enough? He said unto Gil Udjas "You tell thy stick casters that I shall not stop straightpiping, for I will not have my lands filled with poop. When Atgodam Loni saw that the authorities would not stop Peedie from straightpiping, he again met with his allies to plan Peedie's destruction.

And Peedie was wroth for the tushfaced hordes of the Ha'alls besieged his lands. The birds of Wullus defiled his lands. The bitter waters of Atgodam Loni ruined his lands. The children of Do'oug II defaced his chariots and drank of the waters of his ditches. And Jwaner came down from the hills and stank up his lands. Peedie saw that he must fight the host arrayed against him, so he called upon OweBritt and he called upon Neeta and Ralfy.

He called upon Mizlemon and upon AmenoBryse and Angeline. Peedie called them together for a great council of war. The bitter waters of Atgodam Loni had become an abomination to the entire land of Adeeshun.

Upcoming Events

The children of Do'oug II had become a menace to the entire flatlands. Together they saw that they could fight the forces arrayed against them. Peedie said unto the assembled group "Together we shall walk about the lands that our enemies have ruined and together we shall restore them. They walked even unto the borders of Llyod himself. And seeing that Peedie walked about the lands, his enemies were afraid and would not come forth. Peedie went unto the border of Llyod's land and called out towards the walls of his home, "Come out Llyod for thou art a bald pated emeffer.

And Llyod's anger was roused, but he would not come forth, for Peedie carried a stick. Llyod seeing that he could not defeat Peedie told his wife to call the authorities of the land and tell them that Churley had come back from the dead and that he walked around the land carrying a stick.

And the authorities were afraid, for they had feared Churley, yet still they came forth. And when they saw that it was not Churley, but only Peedie, they were glad. They said unto Peedie "thou must drop thy stick, for it is not allowed to walk about the lands with a stick. But Atgodam Joe knew how Peedie had knocked Wullus upon his head, and thus was he afraid and went back into his own lands and would not come forth. And thereafter each time that the Ha'all hordes were seen upon the lands, Peedie and his allies would call the authorities that they might destroy the Ha'alls.

Together with his allies Peedie walked all about the lands, and the lands were made safe because of them. When Atgodam Loni saw that Peedie had beaten the Ha'alls he was afraid, for he knew that Peedie was strong. Atgodam Loni looked from his lands into the lands of Peedie and saw that the waters were carried away from Peedie's lands by the ditches that Peedie had built.

Atgodam Loni also saw how Peedie had felled the birds of Wullus and had hit Wullus upon his head. He had banished the children of Do'oug II and had sent Jwaner back into his own lands. And that is how peace came unto the Adeeshun. My business chariot runneth like a scalded anubis. I write this epistle in part to thank you for helping me in the repair of my business chariot, and in part to ask for the return of my nighnsiksteenthz [2] socket.

I have told ye and told ye that ye must put my tools back in their proper place, or they shall be lost. You have absconded with my socket and I am wroth, and I will not send you the first shekel until my socket is returned. When first we spoke of your coming to work with me in the repair of my business chariot, it was agreed that I would pay you no more than fourteen shekels in the currency of the land, and would trade the rest out in rossins and ote-mea paz [3]. You also drank up several of my CURZ.

The total expense of the repair has thus far exceeded the agreed upon amount, and I will tender you no shekels, but will instead send to you a total of four S ROLL which, I believe you will agree, will make us completely even. I have heard it said that you people have feasts with Emgodam Ha'alls. I urge you not to take the hand of Atgodam Llyod for if you do you shall pass out of the world of light into the nether world that is named Owemalleeze.

With my man Stroop, and David Payne, we have ample Davids here already. A substance known simply as Bowlembeenz is generally considered to be the greatest delicacy of the time, with people eating it often to the exclusion of all other foodstuffs. Bowlembeenz is thought to be a soupy mixture of brownish legumes prepared with a large piece of animal fat. Modern attempts to reproduce this delicacy have resulted in a foul soup that resembles human excrement in both its color and smell. The beverages of the day largely consisted of liquids imported into the region.

Wine was imported into the region from distant areas. Small metal cylinders believed to be a form of container for beverages have been found in several different sites in the region. A good portion of the wine imported into the region is believed to have come from the land of Curz. This is due in large part to the distinct weather patterns that accompanied the changing of seasons.

Constructed of a variety of different materials it was generally considered to be of good quality and construction and perhaps a little pricey for the average person. Some people were thought to wear clothing that was provided by a local ruler of renown. Known most often as Atgodam Wes of the land of Coo-een, he was apparently engaged in the distribution of garments to the people of the area.

SHELTER People of the day lived in homes built with wood and covered on the outsides with either wood or a metal alloy of the day known as lumium.

• Is Fair Value Fair?: Financial Reporting from an International Perspective
• How to be a Brilliant Trainee Teacher
• Perplexing Problems in Probability: Festschrift in Honor of Harry Kesten (Progress in Probability)
• SGUTS – SCHLAF GUT UND TRÄUM SÜSS (German Edition)
• One Night...Nine-Month Scandal (Mills & Boon Modern) (Mills and Boon Modern)