Parenting with Pleasure (Strategies for Todays Parent)

The uncle's guide to parenting

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Currently many parents employ others to care for their children because of competing careers and a preference for working away from home, although the cost of purchasing quality child care may substantially reduce the financial benefits of employment. Still many parents do their own parenting with consequent financial sacrifices. Wise parents have clear agreement about their homemaking responsibilities. For some the mother may be the primary homemaker. For others, it is the father. For increasing numbers both parents share homemaking roles.

In any case, an appropriate balance needs to be found between childrearing, financial, and career objectives. The prudent management of family income and time based on family values and goals is an increasingly urgent issue. It involves at least: Stress in families can be minimized by programming family time for relaxation, recreation, and play. This includes time away from children for parents. Otherwise, busy schedules and preoccupation with television leave few informal moments for parents and children to enjoy each other.

The challenge for parents is to find a balance between their working schedules, tolerable separation from their young children, and child care. From a three-year-old's point of view, several hours of nursery school every other day is sufficient social experience. This is far from spending eight to twelve hours a day for five or six days a week in day care necessitated by the parent's employment, not the interests of the child. For harried parents who really are unable to devote as much time as they would like to their young children, Dr. Berry Brazelton has offered the following practical advice: As is evident from the nature of his advice, Dr.

Brazelton is attempting to help parents cope with less than desirable situations. Whenever possible, opportunities to live a family-oriented life should be taken by carefully setting life priorities and, if necessary, by changing one's life style. This often can be done by adjusting financial goals by setting a lower priority on material things and a higher priority on family time. There are few parents who in later years do not wish that they had spent more time with their children. Phyllis Moen described five kinds of dilemmas faced by couples employed away from home.

In the second category are value dilemmas, brought about by discrepancies between your own life-style and the life styles valued by society. For example, a mother who remains at home with her children may feel that she is not attending sufficiently to her own career. Identity dilemmas represent discontinuities between stereotypes about the roles of men and women and the actual responsibilities of two-income couples.

For example, a husband may feel that his wife is responsible for the housework, even though she is employed away from home. Social-network dilemmas reflect the inability of employed couples to meet the expectations of, and obligations to, their families and friends. There is little time on weekends and in the evenings for socializing when both spouses have full-time jobs. Finally, there are life-cycle dilemmas involving decisions that must be made about starting families and about the timing of major career decisions. Family and job events frequently conflict so that attention needs to be devoted to integrating childbearing and childrearing with careers.

An example of the kinds of administrative problems confronted by parents employed away from home is the management of time when older children are at home alone. There are many opportunities for young people who feel comfortable being home alone to use this time to special advantage. Unstructured hours have a large measure of freedom. There is time for reading, for music, for art, for hobbies, for games, for sports, for pets and for exploring other interests. Although many young people say they like time by themselves after school, they also often feel at loose ends.

They have not discovered the advantages of free time for creative activities. They can be helped to better cope with free time by designing a schedule of activities geared to their individual interests, abilities, and available community resources. Here are some examples:. There is a Wednesday book club for kids at the library. The librarian tells us about all the new books that come in. My friend and I take out different books. As soon as I come home, I turn on my stereo as loud as I want. I like to be alone. No one tells me to turn it down. When I come home from school, I have to practice the piano.

It sometimes gets boring, but I kind of like it.

The uncle's guide to parenting - Today's Parent

I'm getting pretty good at it. I have lots of art supplies - markers, colored pencils, pastels, paints. Sometimes when I'm by myself, I draw or paint. It all depends on my mood. My friends and I collect baseball cards. A few afternoons a week, Jonas and Tyler come to my house and we trade. I have a Lou Gehrig, and a Warren Spahn. I really want a Babe Ruth. My grandfather taught me how to play. I play with Melissa, the girl down the street.

We talk about a lot of things. Sometimes she wins and sometimes I do. We're both pretty good now. After school my friend Cory and I go to the play ground and play some basketball. He can get jump shots like you wouldn't believe. I'm a better blocker. We really work up a sweat. Family administration includes planning activities that can be programmed, such as traditions, celebrations, and routines. Traditions are celebrations of the past and have a long history, such as Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Celebrations are special events that accentuate the present, such as anniversaries and birthdays. Routines are regular daily and weekly activities. A study of strong families across the United States revealed that traditions enhance a family's well-being. Family routines prove to be the most important factors in family satisfactions, because they are periods of time invested in the family as a unit. Even busy families can share experiences and solidify family relationships through regular activities, such as:. These kinds of activities provide chances for parents and children to appreciate each other's values and to keep abreast of each others' lives.

Unless an effort is made to schedule them, they do not happen. A successful family today is a source of mutual support and enjoyment, not one in which a slave-mother cherishes her privileged husband and children and sacrifices her own life while subtly taking over theirs.

A useful principle for guiding family routines is that each member of the family is responsible for contributing to the common good of the family. At the same time circumstances and age govern how household chores are divided between family members.

There is no better family life for children than for their parents to be available as much as possible when the children are at home. The more impersonal our society becomes, the more people need intimate relationships through which they can discover their true selves and develop their self-esteem. The family is the prime group for this.

The family as a social unit desperately needs support from communities and from our society. At the same time the family can be the generating source of commitment to developing communities and to conserving the environment. Through identification with us, children acquire the beliefs, values, and relationships that prepare them to be contributing members of the human family. Through being protected and nurtured by loving parents, children learn how to be protective, nurturing parents themselves. Internalized mental images of our parents and other influential persons are central components of our personalities.

In fact the continuity of our personalities is primarily due to the persistence of these mental images, which are imprinted in us by our family relationships during childhood. The images of attachment figures early in life and the related mental images of our selves usually develop so as to be complementary and mutually confirming.

Each of us grows up carrying an assortment of good and bad internalized images that carry past family interactions with our fathers, mothers, and siblings into our present lives. These images constitute the "internal family" that stays with each one of us throughout our lives. These internal images "look over our shoulders" in present interactions and influence them. They can cause us to react inappropriately when unresolved conflicts from our childhoods are activated. In turn as parents we become images in our children's internalized families.

At any one moment, parents tend to perceive children in the same way that they did some time in the past in spite of the fact that the children show signs of behavior appropriate to the current level of development. Parents often feel this inconsistency and want to respond to the current abilities of their children but are hesitant to take the risk when their children are still testing limits as if they did at an earlier stage in life.

As a result, we can be drawn into reenacting earlier times and thereby underestimate our children's capacities to assume more responsibility in the present. This prevents helping our children learn how to handle responsibility by actually having responsibility in a particular area for the first time and by making inevitable mistakes. For this reason, young people legitimately raise the question, "How can I show you what I can do if your don't give me a chance? This is more growth producing for children than the model in which children seek to be granted responsibilities by pleasing or manipulating us rather than by demonstrating their actual abilities.

The issue really is not one of parents granting privileges as rewards. The issue is when children are ready to handle new responsibilities. For these reasons, children need to have their maturity affirmed by parents who expect and respect the highest level of maturity of which their children are capable.

From the beginning, children need affirmation of their individuality and of their competence. We in turn are affirmed when our children become competent and responsible persons in later life. Affirmation in family relationships relies upon open communication, so that parents and children understand each other's ideas, emotions, and needs. That communication depends upon listening, upon expressing ideas and feelings, and upon reaching mutual understanding.

Unfortunately this kind of two-way communication is in short supply in most families today. Our children especially need to learn from us how to find words to communicate their feelings to others. Their inclinations are to act out their feelings rather than use words to express them. We can model communication by verbally expressing our feelings instead of simply acting upon them. For example, your explanation that you have a headache helps your child understand and accept that your irritable mood more than do your angry words. It is difficult for children to put their emotional states into words.

They are more inclined to have an emotional outburst than to say, "I'm mad at you," and to explain why. When we help them learn to use words instead of actions to communicate their feelings effectively, our children gain confidence in themselves. When we do not, our children ineffectively relieve their tensions in emotional outbursts and frustrate both us and themselves. Misunderstandings because of faulty verbal communication lie behind most family conflicts. Another important part of parental modeling of communication is taking responsibility for our own emotions and actions.

We commonly believe that other people cause our feelings. Our emotions and actions may be reactions to, but are not caused by, what other people say and do. They are caused by our own attitudes and moods, and they are subject to our own analysis and control. For example, the hostile words of another person can hurt our feelings and evoke anger in us, but the intensity of that anger and how we express it is caused by our own attitude or mood.

If you are in good mood, the words and actions of other people may not affect you. If you are in a bad mood, even small things may upset you. Your moods cause your feelings. Other people simply trigger them. Because they do not distinguish between the emotions and actions of others and their own emotions and actions, young children readily assume that other persons cause their behavior. Children need help in separating the acts of other person from their own emotional reactions to those acts and from their own subsequent behavior.

In addition to the blurring of self-other boundaries in young children, both children and adults attempt to expel unacceptable feelings or thoughts that contradict their own self-images by attributing them to other people. For example, we often strongly dislike other people who seek attention, because we want to be the center of attention ourselves.

We also overreact to the mistakes of others because we do not like to admit that we make mistakes ourselves. How we handle our emotional reactions to other people is our personal responsibility. We can counterattack in an emotional way, or we can use words to express our feelings. The most useful response when others hurt our feelings is to honestly say that our feelings are hurt. We are better served by verbally communicating our feelings to others, rather than by blindly acting upon them. Nowhere is the need for this more evident than in sibling relationships.

Yet there is a magnetic pull that brings siblings, however wounded, back together again to try to heal themselves and each other. Sibling rivalry is based upon the wish to be the first or the best or to have more or the most. Security lies in having all of Mommy, all of Daddy, all of the toys, all of the food, or all of the space. In addition squabbling can be a way of maintaining a safe distance from sexual feelings, a way of displacing anger at oneself to a sibling, or a way of gaining revenge. Some useful principles for parents in handling sibling fights are as follows:.

The ways that we handle their own arguments provide models for our children. When parents disagree, we model well for our children when we:. In spite of the emphasis usually placed on the rivalries between siblings, most sibling relationships are congenial over the years. Siblings usually are not as close to each other as friends during adolescence or as spouses and children in later life, but they do feel a sense of loyalty and duty toward each other and see themselves as "good" rather than as "best" friends. Special problems are encountered between stepparents and stepchildren.

Because divorces are difficult for children, they often transfer their negative feelings toward their own parents to stepparents who then become scapegoats. Conversely, stepparents frequently are uncomfortable about assuming responsibilities for other persons' children. When we and our children are able to verbally communicate our feelings and needs to each other, not only are blind emotional outbursts minimized, but we are able to affirm our respective talents and our contributions to each other's welfare. Our affirmation of each child's individuality facilitates developing that child's self-esteem.

In turn the evidence of self-esteem in a child enhances our own self-esteem. Edmund Burke saw human reason as limited and frail, biased toward the short run, and easily overpowered by animalistic urges. He held that we rise above the animal level and become moral beings not by reason but by our need for the approval of others.

He overlooked the importance of affirmation preceding approval. Affirmation differs from approval because seeking approval can lead children to conform to our expectations and to squelch their own individuality, whereas our affirmation of them enhances their individuality. The aim of parental affirmation is to encourage a sense of worthwhile individuality and, thereby, to build a child's self-esteem. On this foundation of affirmation, there is an additional need for our approval and disapproval, so that children can learn to recognize and regulate the impact of their behavior on others.

Self-esteem evolves through the quality of the relationships between children and those who are important in their lives. As is the case with us, children cannot see themselves directly. However, they can recognize how others react and respond to them. They do know when they are taken seriously and listened to and when they are respected and enjoyed.

When they are respected and treated with esteem, they develop self-respect and self-esteem. When they are mistreated or abused, they are likely to conclude that they deserve no better. We foster the self-esteem of members of our families l by unconditionally valuing and advancing their basic worth as human beings and their unique gifts; 2 by helping them develop their social skills; and 3 by respecting each child's expression of femininity or masculinity. These approaches in a climate of warmth, trust, and acceptance offer needed correctives to the extremes of past emphases on the conformity of children to the wishes of their parents or on the license of children to do as they please.

Our affirmation of a child begins with our mirroring of a child's innate sense of vigor during infancy through eye contact and mimicking sounds. This reinforcement of an infant's spontaneous expressions fosters development of the child's true self. When we do not respond to our infant's gestures, but instead substitute our own, we encourage imitation rather than individuality.

In the same vein, we later affirm when we touch, kiss, hold, wrestle, and play with our children. Younger children who are not touched in these ways may regard themselves as unattractive and ultimately unlovable. The differences between the sexes have been maximized in the distant past and minimized in the recent past. Some people still hold strong feelings about whether the differences between boys and girls are due to nature or nurture. The fact is that they are due to both.

The fact also is that the differences are statistical and do not explain the personality and behavior of a particular individual. There are boys who are more like girls in their temperaments and behavior, and there are girls who are more like boys in those ways as well. One wonders why we even need to make these distinctions, but most of us do and are interested in the current state of knowledge about gender differences. There are fundamental differences between males and females that affect health and life span considerations. Differences between the sexes appear as early as six weeks after conception.

At first the embryo has the equipment needed to become either sex. The only clue to its destiny is buried deep in the genetic code in the 23rd chromosome pair. In the sixth week of pregnancy, if the embryo has inherited a Y chromosome from its father, a gene signals the start of male development. In both sexes, hormones begin to prepare the brain for the changes of puberty that will come years later. At birth the bone patterns of girls are slightly more mature than those of boys.

Baby girls, not boys, can distinguish between another infant's cry and noise at the same volume. Some studies suggest that newborn girls are more responsive to touch and that infant boys spend more time awake. There also is evidence that male infants respond somewhat earlier to visual stimuli and that girls respond earlier to sounds and smells.

Boys gain and pass girls in skeletal maturity by the end of the first year. At the age of two boys begin to show signs of greater aggressiveness. At three an early female edge in verbal ability appears and is more evident by ten or eleven. Boys tend to play with things, and girls tend to chat. Boys begin to show superiority in visual-spatial skills at the age of eight or so, and at ten or eleven they start outperforming girls in mathematics and surpass them in body strength. Girls tend to be more attracted to people, and boys tend to be more attracted to objects; boys tend to have shorter attention spans than girls.

During adolescence girls tend to attach more value to aesthetics, sociability, and religion; boys tend to attach more value to athletics, economics, and politics. What all of this means is that females tend to be more sensitive than males to sound, smell, taste, and touch. They pick up nuances of voice and music more readily, and acquire the skills of language, fluency, and memory earlier than males.

They also are more sensitive to social and personal context, are more adept at tuning into peripheral information contained in expression and gesture, and process sensory and verbal information faster. They are less rule-bound than males who need rules, for without them they would be unable to tell where they stand in a hierarchy. Males are better at skills that require spatial ability and are more aggressive, competitive, and self-assertive. All of these differences between boys and girls can be exaggerated by an overemphasis on societal stereotypes of masculinity or femininity.

Once again, these differences are derived from the statistical analysis of groups of boys and girls and, therefore, cannot be expected to be apply to a particular girl or boy. In addition to affirming a child's individuality, our affirmation of a child's personal competence also builds that child's self-esteem. Happiness really is not a series of isolated pleasures. It is a feeling that the self and the world are in harmony. It is reflected in self-esteem that derives from the early childhood experiences of mastering one's body at will and of being effective in the world.

Self-esteem is an inner measurement of personal competence. Self-esteem is enhanced by the effective use of language as a medium of thought and communication, of effective problem solving, of learning from the consequences of one's actions, of rewarding relationships with others, and of benefiting from long-range planning.

Self-esteem and personal competence are not so much the result of suppressing our innate drives as integrating them into the pursuit of our legitimate interests. In order to foster self-esteem, we need to insure that our children know that our love for them is not contingent on their behavior. Therefore, it is better to see children as doing desirable and undesirable things rather than as being bad or good; to help children avoid making the same mistake again rather than criticizing them when they make a mistake; to accept children as they are rather than to compare them with other children; to avoid talking in front of children as if they were not there; and to be aware of children's sensitivity about their physical appearance and to avoid pet names.

In order to help them develop personal competence, we can model competence by setting reasonable limits for our children and thereby showing that we can be depended upon to be in charge of our families. When we routinely and matter-of-factly enforce reasonable limits, our children learn to tolerate frustration and to postpone gratification -- the two most important foundations for acquiring personal competence. Because of their initial egocentricity young children regard themselves as superior to all others.

When our limit setting is effective, that egocentric self gradually shifts into a more realistic self that is willing to share and take turns with other people. A focal point for this transition is between the ages of four and six when a child's grandiosity and ambition are expressed in the form of imagining overthrowing the parent of the same sex and possessing the parent of the opposite sex. These fantasies become a buried source of conflict if parents overreact by squelching them rather than by helping the child to channel them into realistic competition and affection.

The ability to compete and to risk being disappointed by losing and the ability to risk love not being reciprocated are the best assurances that their will be times when our self-esteem will be reinforced by others. Conversely, the fear of losing and the fear that affection will not be returned deprive us of opportunities to actually gain the respect and affection of others.

Children need firm limits, but how limits are handled determines what they will learn. For example, when children's behavior is unacceptable, they first can be asked if they understand why their behavior was not acceptable.

Parents who talk about sex with children have a greater impact on behavior.

Then they can be asked what would help them avoid that behavior in the future. This places the responsibility for self-control with the child. When a parent expresses confidence in a child's ability to do better, that child's self-esteem is enhanced. Children internalize images of their parents' approval and disapproval. Those internal images form a child's conscience. On the positive side, reasonable, internalized disapproval is experienced as guilt that allows children to control themselves without needing external interventions.

However, the internal image of unreasonable disapproval can become a paralyzing guilty fixation on one's weaknesses. The internalization of reasonable or unreasonable guilt depends on whether mistakes are accepted or deplored. Because errors inevitably happen in life, particularly for growing, experimenting young people, the modeling by parents of accepting their own mistakes and seeking forgiveness is important.

If we do not acknowledge our own errors, we cannot expect our children to do so. A sense of competence is fostered when we encourage our children to take risks by giving them responsibilities instead of overprotecting them. We then affirm our children for trying new things and expecting failures. This encourages our children to master risks rather than to avoid them. Daring our children to accept responsibility for the consequences of their actions has far more to teach about risk taking than any outward-bound wilderness trip.

Learning to cope with failure is the essence of learning to take risks. For teenagers, schoolwork and after-school risk-taking activities, like sports, may be better self-esteem builders than paid work in itself. Fathers and mothers who support independence in their older children tend to foster high self-esteem and intellectual flexibility in their children as young adults.

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In contrast a father's coldness and overprotection by either parent is associated with later depression and personality problems. Although the consequences of low self-esteem are clearly seen in depressed children, they also are seen in bored children who lack creativity and in fearful, lonely children. In the absence of an environment conducive to building self-esteem, continual unhappiness and the lack of hope for the future also can breed impulsive living for the moment and indifference to the rights of others.

The lack of self-esteem results in aggression and hostility with a lashing out at others who are perceived as uncaring and unfair. The lack of respect for oneself is converted into the bitter attitude: So it doesn't matter what I do for myself or to others. In order to value themselves as competent persons, children need to develop a clear sense of their own assets and liabilities.

They need to learn how to tolerate frustration and to postpone gratification. Then they will be valued by others. Families are strengthened by involvement in their communities and in social and environmental issues. In fact families are the basic units of their communities and of society. They are parts of the ecosystem in which we all live. The responsibility of human beings to care for the Earth and for the human family can be a central theme in family life.

In this way the family can be a source of support for creative, reconciling community life. This helps to relieve the anxieties young people have about the future. In particular the knowledge of the growing threat to life on Earth is having a negative effect on the attitudes and goals of young people. Many others are discouraged when they see how far behind we are in efforts to save the planet from pollution.

Families also can play key roles in advocating the abandonment of violence as a way of solving problems. In so doing they can become involved in movements that oppose injustice and that seek peace. Children can be helped to see that poverty and oppression make people feel helpless and desperate and thereby breed violence. They can be helped to relate the violence they encounter in their own lives to the violence in the world. They can be inspired to be peacemakers in their own realms and thereby develop a peacemaking stance in the broader world.

For both parents and children, the most important thing is achieving peace within ourselves. If we feel good about ourselves, we do not need to put others down in order to build ourselves up.

Awareness of our own imperfections enables us to accept the imperfections of others. In this way power over others through wealth, physical strength, and weapons can be replaced by empowering individuals to affirm each other. We live in curious times. We need watch what we say when we talk about human relationships, especially in families. It is so easy to unintentionally offend someone. This is because so many of the words we use to describe people are fraught with emotional baggage, much of which derives from stereotypes that we all hold.

Nowhere is this more apparent than when we talk about motherhood and fatherhood. The preferred term now is the gender neutral word parenting that merges both, but even that is too specific for some who speak of "caregiving" that conveys an even more neutral image. Without question the stereotypes of the father as the breadwinner for a family and the mother as a homemaker are no longer dominant. In fact the economic functions of the family really never have had much to do with what it really means to be a father or a mother to children. Fatherhood and motherhood actually refer to relationships between parents and children, not who pays the bills.

From the emotional and material points of view motherhood and fatherhood are virtually interchangeable. Both relationships are nurturant and supportive. If all of this is true, why do we distinguish between mothers and fathers? Why have a Mother's Day and a Father's Day? Wouldn't a Parents' Day do just as well?

The answer obviously is a resounding No! Apart from the biological reality that males and females transmit different genes, there is the undeniable fact that each parent brings a different temperament, a different personality, and a different outlook to each of their children. From a child's point of view the need to have a mother and a father is so strong that children make up their own images of a mother or a father if they do not have one in their lives. Scientists explain this on the basis of an inborn readiness to form different kinds of attachment bonds to mothers, to fathers, and even to siblings.

Mental health professionals also know that mothers and fathers have different impacts on their children. Most importantly there is no single image of an ideal mother or of an ideal father. The differences between mothers and between fathers are legion. More than that my mother and my father are uniquely different for me. Each one has had a special influence on me. They are not the same people to me. They are not "just" parents -- and certainly not "just" caregivers to me.

It is through the eyes of children that we can see the importance of mothers and fathers most clearly. Childrearing is a mutual growth process for both parents and children. For parents it is balancing their needs and wishes with the needs and wishes of their children. When both parents and children grow together, the resulting intimacy in family life fulfills the yearnings of all family members for loving and aggressive exchanges, for sharing pleasures, and for learning values.

This kind of empathic family is the source of the knowledge and the skills needed for citizenship, work, friendships, and later parenthood. It is exceedingly valuable for society. Being a conscientious parent today also means working to preserve and protect our society and the planet -- now before it is too late. When the future itself is in danger, it is no longer enough to love, feed, clothe, and educate a child.

The vital issues in family life revolve around intimacy, identification, influence, irrationality, and industry. The expression of these "I"s makes it possible to fulfill the "we" of family life. Intimacy in the family develops emotional bonds that integrate ambivalent love-hate emotions and that balance personal needs for interaction and privacy. Identification is the process in which parents, children, and siblings reciprocally absorb each other's qualities and vicariously share experiences. Family members influence each other through the exercise of power in their relationships and their moral values.

That influence is the most constructive when leader-follower roles alternate appropriately between family members and when moral values are modeled by the parents. Irrationality is tolerated in families when the expression of irrational fantasies, emotions, and behavior is identified and then is channeled into realistic outlets.

Irrationality is constructive when family members can relax, "let their hair down," and refuel for meeting the both rational and irrational demands on them of the world away from home. Industry in families is developing the coping abilities of family members through planning, resolving conflicts, the allocation of responsibilites in the family, acquiring tangible and intangible resources, and adapting to change. Children become persons in their families by learning how to be responsible for themselves and for their actions, by learning how to tolerate frustration, by learning how to postpone gratification, by learning how to control their impulses, by learning how to solve problems, and by learning how to work.

Children develop self-esteem by identifying with competent parents and by being affirmed as competent, unique individuals in an atmosphere of mutual trust and respect. Children need to learn that being responsible for themselves and for others is the source of meaning and purpose that brings happiness in life. Helping them do so is the satisfaction that parents gain from growing with their children.

Scribner's Sons, p Free Press, pp Increasing Self-esteem in Your Children and Yourself. The Nature of Spiritual Experience. InterVarsity Press, p Family Strategies that Work. Times Books, pp Morality, Moral Behavior, and Moral Development. Society's Betrayal of the Child. The Atlantic Monthly Press.

How to Balance the Responsibilities of Children and Careers. Life Cycle and Ecological Assessments. The Consequences of an Ideal. The World of Imaginary Relationships. Norton, pp , p 15, p In Steinberg, Jane A. National Institute of Mental Health. Why We Take Risks. Little, Brown, p , p , p Journal of Nervous and Mental Diseases.

Becoming Who I Am. Nuclear Age Peace Foundation.

How to avoid passing food hang-ups onto your kids

This situation was described vividly by Joan Beck, a columnist for the Chicago Tribune: Family Life as a Growth Process The grandfatherly advice of the child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim warned against placing too much pressure on children to achieve, lest a child come to believe that one's performance is more important than being a person.

In fact the American society and culture do hold expectations for parents. Expectations of Parents and Children There are a number of expectations of parents and children in the United States. To provide a place of residence that legitimizes a child's identity in a community. To provide sufficient income for a child's clothing, shelter, education, health care, social, and recreational activities. To provide the love, security, and emotional support necessary for the emotional development of a child. To foster the intellectual, social, and moral development of a child. To socialize a child by setting limits and encouraging socially acceptable behavior.

To protect a child from physical, emotional, and social harm. To maintain family interaction on a stable, satisfying basis through communication, problem solving, and responding to individual needs. To learn the appropriate attitudes and values of our society and to act in accordance with them. To accept parental discipline and to behave in ways acceptable to the community. To meet the appropriate emotional needs of parents by responding affectionately to them, confiding in them, and respecting them. To cooperate with their parents in protecting themselves from danger and in meeting their own physical, emotional, and educational needs.

To help maintain family unity and reduce family tensions by cooperating and sharing with other members of the family and by showing loyalty to the family group. To perform appropriate tasks and to care for the material objects provided for them. Strong Families A number of efforts have been made to describe families in which parents and children meet their societal and cultural responsibilities to each other.

Parental Authority As the foregoing description of strong families suggests, their underlying characteristic is a clear distinction between the roles of parents and children. The Creative Use of Power Many of us do not like to use the words power and authority because they imply control over others and control of others over us. The dilemma many parents face over the issue of the physical exercise of power with children is illustrated by the following excerpt from a syndicated column of William Raspberry: Remember that each child is a gift from God, the richest of all blessings.

Each child is an individual and should be permitted to be himself or herself. Do not crush a child's spirit when he or she fails. Never compare one child with another. Remember that anger and hostility are natural emotions. Help your child find acceptable outlets for these feelings, or they may be turned inward and create physical or emotional problems. Discipline your child with firmness and reason. Do not let your anger throw you off balance. Even the youngest child has a keen sense injustice. Avoid situations in which your child can manipulate one adult against another.

Do not give your child everything he or she desires.

Expectations of Parents and Children

Do not deprive your child of the satisfaction that comes from achievement and from earning something. Do not set yourself up as a model of perfection. Children profit from knowing that their parents make mistakes too. Do not make unrealistic threats in anger or promises in a generous mood. To a child a parent's word means everything. Do not smother your child with gifts and lavish surprises. The purest love expresses itself in day-in, day-out consistency that builds self-confidence, trust, and a strong base for character development.

Teach your child that there is dignity in hard work, whether it is performed with a shovel or with delicate surgical instruments. Do not try to protect your child against every blow and disappointment. Experiencing a few lumps will help your child learn how to handle them. Teach your child to love God and to love other people. Children learn from example. Faith in God can be your child's strength and light when all else fails. The Practice of Morality The exercise of parental authority needs to take place within the guidelines of judgments about right and wrong.

Right and Wrong in the Home In the current era there is a tug-of-war in the moral arena. The Stages of Moral Development In a world that appears so devoid of the kind of conscience that enables mutually reliable community life, in a world with too many people dominated by biting, accusing consciences that continually cramp and destroy them and others, healthy conscience development is a major concern in human development everywhere.

The Need for Moral Principles Family life plays a critical role in the nurturing of morality. Their advice was reported as a "get tough" code for parents who experience difficulties in their relationships with their children in an Ann Landers column: Don't fly off the handle. Kids need to see how much better things turn out when people keep their tempers under control.

Don't get strung out from too much booze or too many pills. When we see our parents reaching for those crutches, we get the idea that it's perfectly OK to reach for a bottle or a capsule when things get heavy. Show us who's boss. We need to know we've got some strong supports under us. When you cave in we get scared. Don't blow your class. Don't try to dress, dance, or talk like your kids. You embarrass us, and you look ridiculous. Show us the way. Tell us God is not dead, or sleeping, or on vacation.

We need to believe in something bigger and stronger than ourselves. If you catch us lying, stealing, or being cruel, get tough. Let us know WHY what we did was wrong. Impress on us the importance of not repeating such behavior. When we need punishment, dish it out. But let us know you still love us, even though we have let you down. Make it clear you mean what you say. And don't be intimidated by our threats to drop out of school or leave home.

Stand up to us and we'll respect you. Kids don't want everything they ask for. Tell us the truth no matter what. We can take it. Lukewarm answers make us uneasy. Praise us when we deserve it. Give us a few compliments once in a while, and we will be able to accept criticism a lot easier. The bottom line is that we want you to tell it like it is. Converting Passions to Compassion The essence of moral development in family life is for children and parents to learn how to convert their passions into compassion.

Family Priorities Parental authority also involves setting family priorities for mothering, fathering, homemaking, and careers; for managing stress; and for arranging family routines. When you work, be there. When you are at home, be there. Prepare yourself for accompanying your child to the caregiver and for separating each day. Allow yourself to grieve and feel guilty about leaving your baby. It will help you find the best substitute care. Find others to share your stress -- peer or family resource groups. Include your spouse in the work of the family.

Face the realities of working and childrearing: Learn to save up energy in the workplace to be ready for homecoming. Plan for children to fall apart when you arrive home after work. Gather the entire family when you walk in. Sit in a big chair until everyone is close again. When the children squirm to get down, you can turn to chores and housework. Take children along as you do chores and teach them to help with the housework.

Do not let yourself be overwhelmed by stress. Instead, enjoy the pleasures of solving problems together and working as a team. Here are some examples: Reading There is a Wednesday book club for kids at the library. Music As soon as I come home, I turn on my stereo as loud as I want. Keith, age 13 When I come home from school, I have to practice the piano. Art I have lots of art supplies - markers, colored pencils, pastels, paints. Hobbies My friends and I collect baseball cards. Games Chess is exciting. Sports After school my friend Cory and I go to the play ground and play some basketball.

Pets When I open the door and see my dog, I'm not afraid any more. Parental Affirmation Through identification with us, children acquire the beliefs, values, and relationships that prepare them to be contributing members of the human family. Learning to Communicate Ideas and Emotions Affirmation in family relationships relies upon open communication, so that parents and children understand each other's ideas, emotions, and needs.

Some useful principles for parents in handling sibling fights are as follows: Start by acknowledging that the children are angry at each other. That alone often helps to calm them. Listen to each child's side with respect. Learn more and join us! Because we're all in this together. Resend Verification Email Join Us!

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Parenting in the digital age: Real tips to help kids (and parents) today.

Being a parent we always want to make our kids just perfect and expect the most correct things from them. As parents, we always had never ending expectations from our kids. We lived in a world that is filled with insecurity and negativity. But it is not the end of hope; if you add the power of love, hope and faith together we still can raise a happy, confident and positive child in this negative world.

Getting your love is the first thing that every child need, and showering your love in any form is a vital step to their emotional development. We are busiest parent, we are always in hurry, and we just want to achieve everything. As a parent we become jaded and need something spectacular to amaze them, but children find delight in everything around them. To them, every little thing is wondrous because they are still in learning and exploratory stage. Our presence and guidance is much more precious than any other gifts.

We are the first mentor of our kids. So be a little cautious because actions speak louder than the words. Never permit ourselves to do anything that we are not willing to see our kids to do. There are no magic ingredients for a happy family. Just add the power of love, gratitude and respect for each other and then see the magic. Practising mindfulness is very important. Being in moment, enjoy togetherness is a true treasure of life. And as parent it is the best gift that we could ever get. It is true that we need to slow down to speed up. Each child is unique with different learning style and capabilities.

Let them what they are and enjoy the true spirit of parenthood. Spending quality time with kids and making a good interaction have profoundly positive effects on their cognitive and emotional development. It is the best way to shower your love and affection for your kids.

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